Yesterday I went outside
With my momma's mason jar, Caught a lovely Butterfly
When I woke up today, Looked in on my fairy pet
She had withered all away. I'm sorry for what I did
I did what my body told me to, I didn't mean to do you harm
Everytime I pin down what I think I want
It slips away - the ghost slips away
I smell you on my hand for days, I can't wash away your scent
If I'm a dog then you're a bitch, I guess you're as real as me
Maybe I can live with that, Maybe I need fantasies
A life of chasing butterfly

It's not that I don't want to say.. I love all of you..

For caring, for asking. For touching me on my arm, for patting me on my head. For looking me in the eye when you talk to me. For the warmth of your voices when you speak to me. For hugging me. For calling me when you get home. For singing. For everything.

But I cannot tell you what is it boiling within me.

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People tell me I am an avoider and I'm figuring it's true.
I no longer have a grasp of what I am running away from.

I'm angry with myself, for being such a kid, being so helpless.

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You know the feeling of being in a foreign country?
I suddenly felt like that for a moment while I was sitting on the sofa right in the middle of my house, surrounded by my family.

It wasn't the bad kind of feeling, but the unburdened carefree-ness.

I closed my eyes and saw myself walking around a less-than-modern mall with incandescent lights, arm hooked around someone I loved to pieces, and even more because we were alone in a foreign country, and all we had was each other.

I mentally tried to fit my ex in the picture, and it didn't seem right.

I tried fitting all my friends into the picture, and it still did not feel right.

Then I tried him. -sigh-

I don't love you, but the person I thought you could be.

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I'm always telling my friends not to quit, especially at relationships.

Don't quit, don't quit, don't quit, don't quit.

But what if it were time to quit? Who am I to judge what the best is for my friends? I'm just afraid that they will face regrets, because I can tell they all love their partners, so much. I am at a point in life where most of my friends are with the first people that they really are serious about.

But is love enough?

Such grey area. 'Let them fall and they will learn'. I'm afraid to let go.

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Tonight was dinner for the boys going into army.. And watching them leave us at the poolside really made me kind of sad. Tho' sometimes their swearing and racist jokes push my patience, I sort of want things to stay the same..