Kat and I talked about not getting personal in writing online.

I realized how impersonal I get nowadays. (I always have trouble with that. Im,Un,Dis) The more I see people whine, the more I feel it's for self-validation, the less I want to be like that. I'm so afraid to appear as someone I won't like, I don't quite appear anymore. Ah, well.

Managed a serious fuck-up at work recently, and it was all it took to take a huge bite off my spirit. Yeah, I can say the comforting things myself, people make mistakes, it will all seem ok in awhile.. But SHIT why did I have to fuck up?

Please refer to paragraph above. See, when I write about things that happen to me, it sounds like nobody would quite know what I'm talking about. No la, I'm not trying to be secretive. No *ahems* and xxx unmentionables.

I have a friend who told me she thinks she is forever incapable of loving anyone else unconditionally. Except her dog.

I'm torn, between wanting to know what is going on, and standing in his shoes. Perhaps he just wants peace and quiet to think things through and settle down.

Maybe this is one of the things that people prefer having, therefore stay Single.

The right to be unhappy.

I totally understand this, have had many melodrama frownfests while I was single, and glad that it did not affect anyone else's feelings except my own. I had no one to answer to, so I could hide from all civilization all I wanted.

But at the same time it was incredibly lonely. While being glad that I don't have to pretend to smile for anyone, I also want someone there to hold me and bring me tea. Haha.. MCP, right. FCP, sorry. No la, just insecurely needy when sad, la.

So when I am faced with a situation of having a person I care about like that, I am torn in between these 2 roles. Does he want to talk about it but is scared? Should I try and get him to relax and tell me? Or am I just being a nuisance.

When you're with someone whom u know loves u alot, and whatever you do weighs something in their world, you have to be at least moderately happy. Want to sink and die? Cannot, because there is a hand waiting to hold you.. Want to sink, die, then revive to let that hand hold? Very hard, that hand might sink with you.

So, how? Must try to be the ever-surviving hand. UNSINKABLE!

Aiyah, keep trying, An Li.

Don, here are some randomly taken pictures.

Roger the mad gamer.




Bored, so ka jiao Jeanine.


MRT, both lookin old and haggard.


Scary Jerome!

What do I feel like?

Melted chocolate.

Dark, white, milk. With nuts, fruits, crackers, bread, Ryan. Hahaa!

It was kinda interesting to read back on what I wrote more than half a year ago, and it seemed to me to be less of a mess than it seemed when I was going through it.

-abruptly ends-

Blast From Past

For the sake of experimentation and Ryan wanting to read about my insanity, the old blog would be hosted here momentarily til i make a new post in the current blog. Kinda crazy.

Thunder only happens when it's raining
Players only love you when they're playing

erghs.

All I can say is that I'm sorry.
Can't take it anymore, this uncertainty.
I need to be moving, towards something,

If not, away from something.

my sunday.

i wake up.
it's all cool and dewy outside,
i smile and feel refreshed.
i stretch and rollover,
and there he is, peaceful slumber.

and there we are.

we get up,
he brushes and shaves,
as i poop and read my book on the toilet.

i change out of his pyjama top,
he slips into a white tee.
we walk the dog around the neighbourhood,
while the morning is still quiet and cool.

we go strolling around in the supermarket,
buying fabric softener and button mushrooms.

he secretly buys lillies from florist,
as i queue at the cashier.

we bustle around the kitchen,
he's chopping the onions and tearing,
and i laugh at him and wipe them off his cheeks.

i'm stuffing the poultry,
he holds me from behind,
his hands covered with flour.
i yelp daintily, and we sing and laugh and cook.

we have lunch at the table.
the lillies play the role of centrepiece.

after lunch,
we snuggle on the couch and watch a movie.

he sits at his desk, doing his work,
while i read my novel on the beanbag chair.

he sits back with a sigh, catches me eye,
and smiles.
he comes over to kiss me.

and it goes on..

Nothing like a lazy Sunday at work to cheer you up.

Looking at my old pictures, I realized how long it has been since I took my camera out to play. Now it sits on my speakers, playing the boring role of a webcam. I shall bring her out on Friday to see some hotstuff.

I just deleted all 200++ episodes of friends I have in my computer.
In an attempt to save my dying storage space.

And just like that I cleared 20 gigs.
I can FINALLY defrag my computer after 2 years.

I feel like I killed a relative.

Kat!!! I need to copy all your files into CDs.

"You are beautiful, but you are empty, to me. I would not die for you. To be sure, an ordinary passerby would think that my rose looked just like you. But in herself alone, she is more important than all the hundreds of you other roses: because it is she I have watered, it is she I have put under the glass globe, it is she I have shielded using a screen, it is for her I have killed the caterpillars.

Because she is my rose."

for berji.

We're barely 20.
And love is already difficult.
I personally thought it would be alot more fun than this.

How I wished there was a reset button.
A button that we could all hit and let things start afresh again.
A magic button.
Which would wipe the dirt from our weary eyes,
gentle dab at all our wounds and heal them.
Take away our baggage and give us an immediate 2nd chance at everything.

Not just for Berji, but for me, for Liang, for Fat.

Sometimes I think about running away from it all,
as an alternative to restarting, I think of shutting down.
Dying, I mean.
But that means never getting to come back,
and that's just too bad.

Guess the alternative to that button, is instead, time.
And our own will and determination to let things,
make things better.

Berji my man, close your eyes and imagine.
Not peaceful isolation.
But imagine twirling Mel around in your arms.
Forgetting your troubles for a moment.
Contentment?
Think dancing your problems away.
Think kind words.
Think gentle understanding.
Think sincere, soft kisses.
Think hugs that feel like they won't ever end.
Think simplicity. Think love.

Everyone's letting go.
Because it is the easy way out.
But if you find someone worth holding on to,
don't throw it awayyyyyyy.

Be strong Berji..

mercurial insanity.

The last weeks has been quite crazy for me.
It's not like I'm on the roller coaster ride,
instead, it's like I'm waiting at the exit.
Waiting, watching the boy I care about alot,
being thrown around on the ride,
stopping at the end of each round,
only long enough to give me a helpless look,
then get pulled off for another round of screaming fun.

Haha..
Chandler:"He paints quite a picture, dun'he?"

Anyways. If somehow the 'tag-invaders', that are giving fat a hard time, are reading this, I believe it's time you guys took a step back and realize you guys are in no position to dive in and ruffle feathers. Should you guys not care about a stranger's feelings, do give a thought to your friend's. A break up, about two people, is hard enough. A break up involving two plus twenty?

Liang, Berji, Flea, Angelline, and Fat. Kat, Lu, Nick, and Lewei.

It's time to get together. Let's just pretend life was simple, and forget about shit, and just BE.

I'm here, always, yar?

Believer? Not.

I was watching this episode of Sex and the City,
and there was this crap seminar where this woman
told other women that by simply believing in love,
and embracing this belief,
they're gonna find love and be happy.

Basically all she kept saying was:
"You've got to really put yourself out there,
physically and emotionally.
Don't be fearful. Don't let yourself fear.
Just believe and keep repeating your affirmations."

Pah.

People, piece of advice from Auntie Ember.
Embrace singlehood.

19 years old is not the time for us to be tied to another 19 year old.
It's like two wild horses tied to each other,
both trying to run in their own directions.
Paths cross, but how difficult can it,
to be running side by side all the time?

Hey, it's not that I don't love fat,
but I'm sick and tired of insecurities.

We've all got our own agendas.

If life's gonna offer me singlehood,
I'm not gonna cry and beat at my pillow.
I will excel.

When you beat on that drum
Talk in that tongue
You're just scratching on the surface
So tell me what it means
A whisper to a scream
Slowly fades away

Then you wake up
And tomorrow is today
And youre crying, crying like a baby
Caught between the tides
Did you lose your way
You lost your way

Do you know where I've been
Walls are caving in
It moves across a wire
There's no need to talk
I crawl as you walk
Pushing me away

Flowers in the bin
Close this hole I'm in
Everything was one
Nothing gets undone
You pay the bill
You lost your will
Just run away until

platonicism.

The world has changed so much that even the way people love is becoming different.

Is it possible to love two people at the same time?
Yes, I believe so.
But not in the way that people deserve to be loved.

When 2 people part, it is impossible to place blame.
Almost the whole area would be grey.
But tell me, anyways, what is the point?

Is there anything you want from me
My arms, my life, my energy
I don't know how far I can go
Everything says no
But you know how it goes when
You're used to your side of the bed
I know you don't belong in this room
But you're here now
So what can I do
All that I am is
All I was taught to be
All that you are is
A wall between myself and me
Have you ever really looked at me
Or thought about me secretly
Do I make you wonder at all
About the speed of light
Outside our little world we might not
Feel so alone

Get your own Indian Asshole today!

I know that sounds totally racist,
but I've had enough of rich indians from India throwing their weight around.

At work today, there was a miscommunication, and we did not have a 2 bedroom apartment to show the indian tenant. So he started throwing a tantrum and refused to go view the 1 bedroom or 3 bedroom, which has similar facilities. He went, "If I wanted to buy a Nissan Sunny, and you showed me a Mercedes, what good would that do me?" Hell. I wouldn't be showing you a Mercedes, I would just be showing you a Nissan of a different fucken colour. He also said stuff like, "apply your brains", and "talk service". Fucken rich spolit BRATs. A grown man like him and ZERO versatility.

But to be fair, some of the indians are really kind. My favourite tenant, Mrs Chand Khanna, married from new delhi to malacca. She and her husband are the model couple I tell ya. She's intelligent, but not too eager to show it. (unlike some girls our age these days). They're moving out tomorrow, and I'm kind of sad.

One of my most tiring days to date.
Normally, I can't fall asleep properly other than in my own bed.
But I went to Fat's and plopped right on his bed,
and woke up not knowing where I was.
-sigh- He's really tired too,
what's with all the working
and arguing about the past with his ex.
Simply reading and watching them argue is making me tired, too.
I guess there's no such thing as a civilised break up.

You know how we always look back on days that were gone,
fights that were fought, and words that were said,
and think how we could have lived, fought, said better?

I was thinking, I should let them be angry at each other,
a relationship doesnt just effervesce into nothing in days.

but.. It's like watching two people taking turns to punch
the other's nose, to see who bleeds more.

I wished they would stop tearing it,
what's done has been done,
and they've both loved and lost.
But at least there was happiness.
Can't say I was there to feel it,
but pictures do speak a thousand words.

Don't they?

Enough of this mess man.
Enough.

 

The only thing constant thing in this world is change. That's why today I take life as it comes.     The butterfly rests on a leaf, and opens and closes it wings. Sometimes that's what my love life feels like.     People come, and soon, they are gone. Every single person has taken something, left something behind. Mostly scars, I think. Haha..     I breathe the feeling of loving somebody. I t's always easy in the beginning. But the deeper you fall, the more afraid you become. To lose him, for him to change, or for things to come between. Then the fear takes over, and you become the paranoia bitch.     Note to self, and everyone else lost in love: Being together is about feeling good coming home to each other, in every sense of that phrase.     To Angela and Laine: It has been some time, again. Hope everything is fine with Kai Quan and Adrian. Be my role models.    To Kat: I have alot to tell you darls. -prays- SIP end SOON. To Angelline: When life hits you when you are down, it's the best opportunity to show the world how damn strong you can be. Show me. Show him. To my love: =) You're the best. And I really mean that.. Heh.

The prophet.

I love every single word of this passage.

Your friend is your needs answered.
He is your field which you sow with love
and reap with thanksgiving.

And he is your board and your fireside.
For you come to him with your hunger,
and you seek him for peace.

When your friend speaks his mind you fear
not the "nay" in your own mind,
nor do you withhold the "ay".
And when he is silent your heart ceases
not to listen to his heart;
For without words, in friendship, all thoughts,
all desires, all expectations are born and shared,
with joy that is unacclaimed.
When you part from your friend, you grieve not;
For that which you love most
in him may be clearer in his absence,
as the mountain to the climber
is clearer from the plain.

And let there be no purpose in friendship
save the deepening of the spirit.
For love that seeks aught but the disclosure
of its own mystery is not love but a net cast forth:
and only the unprofitable is caught.

And let your best be for your friend
that you should seek him with hours to kill?
Seek him always with hours to live.
For it is his to fill your need,
but not your emptiness.
And in the sweetness of friendship
let there be laughter, and sharing of pleasures.
For in the dew of little things
the heart finds its morning and is refreshed.

I've come to the end of my circle.

That's you.

You're not a point along the circumfrence of my loopy and skewish circle.
You, are right smack in the middle of it.
The harder I try to keep you out of my sight,
the more you stay at the most glaring corner of the frame.
You may not know where the raw spots are,
but without fail you always hit where it hurts.
All you have to do is not try,
and you are where I don't want you to be.

And now we've reversed all that.
You're not as different as you think you are,
and I love everyone of your imperfections.

You make me want time to pass slower.
You make time pass faster.
You make me want to go ahead in time.
You make me want to go back in time.

You are asleep on the other end of the line.
And I'm playing Kenny G for you through the phone.
=)

Sleep tight, sweets.

helplessly meltin as I stand next to the sun.
drink every drop of liquid i've become.
leavin your smell on your coat,
leavin your taste on my shoulder.

I would melt you and put you in a jar next to my bed!
=) Haha, possesiveness at its most extreme.

My workplace has a contracted security company,
that sends us 7 guards a day.
There's this particular one, that has amazing bitching qualities.
He can stand in the lobby and COMPLAIN and COMPLAIN
for two hours straight.
He's the kinda uncle that talks to you,
while not talking to you.
Pacing around with his hands behind his back,
looking at the floor, the ceiling, the lamps,
the sofa, my work, anything but me.
But he goes ON and ON and ON about the same thing.
Sometimes instead of being nice and sympathetic,
I just want to tell him he is being an obstinate old fool.
-sigh-
But then I know it would just offend him,
and nothing good will come out of it.
It's getting so bad that most of the other staff are
pushing for him to get laid off,
or at least moved away from us.

But he bought me a banana today.
Then I felt all bad for him..

Yeah grumpy uncles and banana lunches,
that's my life at SIP.

mmermmblrrummbppt.

Read that title out loud, and you would have a better idea of what I'm feelin right now. My doctor says it's throat infection, but it feels more like a head infection to me. And my dog pooped all over my floor. I would kill her, she's lucky she's so cute.

Oh and btw, I'm on MC today. It feels like I'm committing some kind of crime I tell you. Normally I would be glad to have a chance to fall sick and get a day off school, but I feel like I'm letting down TP hospi and Far East Organization because I took this particular MC.

But I'm afraid I would go to work and make stupid mistakes that has to do with money, or eat all the panadols in the first aid box (again). hahaa..

I AM going to meet nicholaser the OCS kia for coffee and James and Berji for Centro tonight tho..

Here is my agar agar. People call it a piece of paper, "the green thing", and Kenn calls it a bathroom floormat. Darlings, it's just my green agar agar..

This is my new layout.
Green is good for the eyes, they say.
Uhm and oh this time, the picture is really 100% mine.
Woots. My own little broken butterfly.

his eyes speak the truth that is my reality.


for the lack of heading pictures, here is lu with his insecty hair. i did it for him by cutting up my long elastic band to make many small elastic bands. haha..

coffee drinking, pill popping, stick dragging. that's what i've become. just one month into a simple eight-hour-a-day job has turned me into an uncle.

so, what other bad habits does this new unleashed uncle in me have? i ate a whole family block of cabury all by myself yesterday. though i did force myself to drink one whole litre of water after, so i won't have to fall sick.

then on my day off, i stayed at home all day on my bed and watched movies and tv, laughed and cried along with the screen people, while thinking all the while "I should go for a walk or run", or "I should be ironing my clothes", or "I should empty my overflowing bin".

haha.. well. the bin's empty today, and i'm sorry you had to listen to my couch potato life.

weirdest thing is, i'm losing weight. like.

?!!??!?

a diff approach to playing with lu's hair.

Smoke gets in your eyes.

And it hurts.




I forget about my pictures these days.
That's me and sweet kat who chopped a little off her finger today.
She'll be appearing on Channel 8 on Sunday,
so catch her then, whoever can.

won't you find my way from a to z.
bout to see my own reality.
it's about time for some rationality.
illogical with the touch of mystery.
i got it now cant nobody bother me.
let's do this baby crazy baby we can find the key.

this is natalie, taken awhile back. hanging around some corner.


my world is so tiny it can sit on my palm.
roll around abit in it, maybe.
a little good thing is that i do manage
to accompany myself better.
but, not kidding myself,
if this is the way it's gonna be til SIP ends,
i shall go very mad.
haha..

His Blue and Purple Yellow Pants.

It is the passion flowing right on through your veins
And it's the feeling that you're oh so glad you came
It is the moment you remember you're alive
It is the air you breathe, the element, the fire
It is that flower that you took the time to smell
It is the power that you know you got as well
It is the fear inside that you can overcome
This is the orchestra, the rhythm and the drum

Com uma forca, com uma forca
Com uma forca que ninguem pode parar
Com uma forca, com uma forca
Com uma fome que ninguem pode matar

It is the soundtrack of your ever-flowing life
It is the wind beneath your feet that makes you fly
It is the beautiful game that you choose to play
When you step out into the world to start your day
You show your face and take it in and scream and pray
You're gonna win it for yourself and us today
It is the gold, the green, the yellow and the grey
The red and sweat and tears, the love you got.

Closer to the sky, closer, way up high, mais perto do ceu, mais perto do ceu.

I love this song.

I sing til I feel dizzy.

With careless abundance, not a care or thought in my mind. Nothing but my pompous voice fills the space intangible capacity of my personal bubble. It's strangely satisfying.

Here's a sweeping statement: The best things in life always come first, and last.

Like in the title of a book. How the very first words you read on that bind of paper could decide whether you spend hours on end with you nose in it, or simply let your eyes flit pass.

Like in a song. The last verse almost always holds the moral of the entire song, the climax of the tune, the largest surge of emotions. The ending always aims to hit you in the face, touch you in the heart.

Like in life. When you see your baby for the first time, all spurting and ugly, you feel incredible.

Like in death. When you know your husband is going to die tomorrow, and it is going to be the last time you make love to him. The last time you can feel the warmth of being in his arms.

That's when you will let every tiny feeling, emotion, sense, desire, touch, and moment, seep right through every crook and cranny in you. Your conciousness is heightened to such extremes that it's white hot and screaming inside of you.

And then a hero comes along
With the strength to carry on
And you cast your fears aside
And you know you can survive
So when you feel like hope is gone
Look inside you and be strong
And you'll finally see the truth
That a hero lies in you.

The fat indian Man.

I'm sleepy and aching all over.

Today was an interesting day. A change from the routine working days I've had these 2 weeks. Went to send Angelline off on her journey of self discovery and to pursue her studies in Australia. She'll have fun.

The Liang himself suggested to skate after we left the airport, partly because we could both tell how blue James was. So we went home to get changed and bring out the guys' decks. Man I fell on my arse so many times. Good thing I have some meat there. Awesome workout.

Anyways got sick of the sweet biscuit theme, so I took something else off blogskins. Not designed by me, so don't give me any credit. Not something I would normally use, but I find it quite candy.

-HUG- Angelline, Liang, and James.

Inspiration is a four letter word.



Was going through my things when I found my camera and this un-uploaded picutre of my babes. Haha.. Miss them. Just got off the phone, from an updating session with Kat. Probably will get to see some of them tomorrow. And Angela as well. Missing everyone! =)

How you doing?

Sometimes a simple question like that could be a call for help. Help of the emotional support kind, not the save my life kind. It's hard for people to come straight out and say "I'm lonely." So, we seek out the people whom we think would care, and poke them with a little message to remind them we're here to love, as well as be loved.

I wished I was a more caring person, the consistent kind that are always there for my friends. I apologize to everyone's who sent me a message but did not get any replies. I'm talking about SMS, I'm really lazy when it comes to those. And I'd like to tell everyone, that when someone sends you an SMS, it can suck very much if you just ignore it. =/

Hahaa. I'm ok, I promise.

Wow. This is hardly subtle.

How to make a ember

Ingredients: 5 parts intelligence 5 parts ambition 3 parts leadership

Method: Layer ingredientes in a shot glass. Add a little cocktail umbrella and a dash of lustfulness

Username:

Personality cocktail
From Go-Quiz.com

VaPaNahPohLeh.

I think it would be quite cool to be a translator. I spent most of my daydreaming minutes today thinking of interesting careers I might try to pursue, if I had the guts. Besides the usual entrepeneur, counsellor, teacher, blah, I think it'd be quite fun to be a party planner.

*Hardly worth it.
**Worth considering
***Interesting....
****Wahaha. Dream job.
*****DREAM ON.

Cab driver ahaha.*

Dog groomer.**

Stock broker.***

Mystery shopper.****

Restaurant owner.****

Hotel owner.*****

Haha.. I shall make a list in my notebook. Anymore suggestions?